Give Death a Chance: The British Zombie Invasion 2
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It’s 2009, and Zombie John, Zombie Paul, Zombie George, and Ninja Ringo are poised to show the United States the true meaning of Beatlemania. During their first American tour since 1966, they throw down with supergenius supervillian Justin Timberlake, get abused by scantily-clad chanteuse Madonna, do some dreadful things to wannabe Zombies Noel and Liam Gallagher, possibly behead Eminem, and take on Lady Gaga’s “Little Monsters”, all in the name of climbing to the Toppermost of the Poppermost.
In the hilarious, gory sequel to the critically acclaimed mashup, Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion, author Alan Goldsher is the road manager and appointed scribe for the Poppermost Over America Tour, insanely crisscrossing America in a foul-smelling van packed with three short-tempered, power-mad English Zombies and one frustrated Ninja drummer. Throughout the mayhem of the brains-fueled tour, Goldsher finds out what it really means to Meet the Beatles, and answers the oft-asked question on the lips of every Fab Four fan, “What does Liverpudlian Zombie breath smell like from two inches away?”
PAUL: We won’t eat you, y’know. JOHN: At least not yet. ME: Okay, fine. Lady Gaga is a living and breathing woman. Her breasts are attractive. Her legs are attractive. Her tuchas is attractive. RINGO: What’s a tuchas? ME: Yiddish for tush. GEORGE: You should know that, Rings, being Jewish and all. RINGO: Are you making fun of me nose again? GEORGE: If the Kleenex fits. JOHN: Shut it, the lot of you. Scribe, continue. ME: Men enjoy watching her because she’s attractive. Women enjoy watching her because she’s provocative.
You ain’t just whistling Dixie. ” “Whistling what? ” “Forget it. ” “You mortals say the most naff shite. I should Liverpool Process you just so we could have a proper conversation. ” He looked at the dead cracker and said, “But who has time for that kind of bullocks when there are meals to be eaten. ” He let out a deafening Zombie moan and went to town on the bearded racist until all that was left on the sidewalk was a small puddle of blood, a spleen, a pancreas, and a kidney. JULY 10, 2009 It was the middle of the night when Lennon shook me awake.
All you need to know is that this dude is a poser. ” Eminem held up a single finger and said, “Not a poser—a product. A well-thought-out, tightly developed, one-of-a-kind rapping corporation. You want to know how I did it? ” “No,” Ringo said. Ignoring him, Eminem paced the room and bulled ahead: “It all started back in 1991, after a Caucasian singing group called Color Me Badd had a massive hit with an African-American approach to music. I thought, With a little work, I could do that, and I was right.
Done. Next piece of advice. ” “Get advice from the people who’ve reached today’s masses. Chat with the stars. You’re the Beatles, and I suspect they’ll talk to you. ” He mussed my hair and kissed the side of my cheek (yuck), then said, “Brilliant idea, Scribe. Fookin’ brilliant. I shall let you live another day. ” JUNE 26, 2009 It’s mid-afternoon, and we’re parked in the lot of the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater just outside of St. Louis. They lads are putting on their disguises, because they want to see the show without being harassed either by families of their victims or a slumming USZG.
If you’ve read Teen People regularly—and I can tell you have—you know what’s happened up until now, but the future will be even brighter. I’ll be doing another stint in rehab in 2012—and when I say rehab, I mean my private island in Hawaii—which’ll give me yet more credibility among the eighteen-to-twenty-nine urban demographic. During those three months, I’ll record an album in which I’m backed by live musicians—it’ll mostly be rap, but there’ll be some actual songs on there—which we’ll release in 2013.